Great White Exposure

It’s the middle of March and I’m itching to expose myself.

If not all of me, at least the long expanse of albino giraffe neck I’ve been hiding under turtlenecks for six months. Okay, four months – whatever. In October, I was all excited about it. Soooooo over it now.

Now, I’m all geared up for the Great Seasonal Closet Switch! Out with the dark, moody sweaters, the bemoaned turtlenecks and, god knows, those damn puffy vests. In with short sleeves, bright colors and open-toed shoes!!!

…I woke up to six more inches. And not the good kind. The cold, wet, “Get out the shovel, Myrtle” kind. Really?

Here’s the deal. Spring Break is coming up and I’m going on a cruise. To the Caribbean. To the sun. Halle-freakin-lujah.

And, somehow, I have to transform Anita Snoshew into Anita Kittenheele. Anita Puffer into Anita Tankini. Anita Merlot into Anita Mojito.

The first step is seeing if my winter ass still fits into my cruise-y capris. Well, actually, the first step is hauling the tubs of summer clothes up from the basement. I guess I’m all ready for summer since I’m sweaty now.

Second step is preparing some Numbing Juice, which I swish and swallow. You can buy this locally under the brand name, Grey Goose.

I’m ready for the Trying On Process. Since I’m currently on a diet and plan to lose this last 26 pounds in the next 10 days, I think it’s fair to wear Spanx to try on stuff, don’t you?

[Hours pass. Dogs hide. Husband fetches more Juice. Then runs.]

I think most of it will work but I can’t really tell because of the glare coming off my ghost-like skin. I’m a beacon of bright whiteness. I practically glow.

The only people that would think I’m hot are my dermatologist and Colonel Sanders.  I am in no danger of UV damage and I’m sporting the whitest breast meat on the market.

I put self tanner on my Meijer list. Along with pumice stone and lots of shaving cream.

As I’m flipping around in my flops, I start to notice a little ouchie between my toes. My soft, sock-cradled piggies are rebelling against this strappy interloper. It’s clear I’m going to have to toughen up my Thong Toe.

There’s still two feet of snow in my front yard and I’m still using my dogs as foot-warmers at night. But, I’ve put away my fuzzy slippers in favor of lime green “training” flip-flops. My closet is now a cheerful rainbow and the boots are in the basement.

The signs of spring have sprung!


In the South, we look for blooming daffodils, fresh, green grass and symptoms of hay fever.








Up North, well… my neighbor took the plow off his truck. I can see the blacktop on the driveway and my flower boxes are starting to unfreeze so I can finally pull out the fake poinsettias.


Personally, I’ve committed to consistent shaving
and a Mystic Tan.




Honey? You can come out now…