Morons, Idiots & My Back Side

“People who drive slower than me are morons and people who drive faster than me are idiots.”


Never is that more true than when you’re driving in crappy weather. Snow covered streets, torrential downpours, when you’re late for soccer practice – stuff like that.

A lot of Southern drivers learned a thing or two this past season, I’ll betcha. For the most part, though, Joe Bob doesn’t get much icy road time. They pretty much shut down the town if it comes a Toad Strangler. When the snake bellies freeze to the ground – it’s over and done, Sally Mae.

Ok – that’s too colloquial, even for me.

I fully expected to be the hands-down worst winter driver in the Pinky. I was ready for the catcalls, the snarls, the glares and the occasional farm-callused middle finger shooting up from behind the wheel of a Dodge truck. Uh…. not so much. Y’all kinda stink at it, too.

The guy in front of me is driving a Subaru or a Saturn or somesuch thing. He’s going 32mph – 20 around the corners. I’m standing on my brakes to keep from ramming this moron. I’m also sitting on my hands and biting on my tongue. I’d pop my finger at him but my manicure is chipped.

I finally come to a passing lane and roar past him. This, of course, puts me on the lesser-traveled part of the road and a teensy little fish tail jeopardizes my indignant fly-by. Flair. I’m just going to call that “Flair”.

Well, as much flair as one can muster in a Buick.

Settling in at a moderate 55mpg, I feel comfortable enough to toggle between all two radio channels available to me.

Whoosh! What the…..?? Some idiot  just passed me! I’m driving 55 miles an hour, for crying out loud! He must be crazy! I get caught up in his jet stream and almost go in the ditch.

Then I’m forced to speed up because even girls don’t like getting passed. I mean, I’m not the Maw Maw here, pal. I’m Anita Freakin’ Merl…… yikes! Loss of Goodyear Gription!

55 seems fair. Jimmy Carter thought so.

So far, I have avoided bashing anyone, getting stuck or even giving anyone the Bird. I stick to “moron” or “idiot” because I usually have teenagers in the car and I’m trying to worm in a Teachable Moment whenever possible.

I’ve even found a way to get a little exercise! Driving in the winter Up North has done wonders for my glutes! Trying to drive between the morons and the idiots, they are getting quite a workout pinching the car seat in Dixie-style fear!