In the grand scheme of things, a booger hanging out of your nose is not monumental. It wasn’t even a very big booger – it was peeking out quite politely, as far as boogers go.
It’s the discovery that is jarring.
How long has it been there?
How many people have I talked to?
How adorable did I think I was being while this booger was mocking me?
I’m pretty sure it wasn’t there when I got pulled over this morning for going 85 in a 55. I distinctly remember checking my lip-gloss in the mirror and practicing my “Golly Gosh Officer Sweetie Pie” grin.
Which, by the way, has never, ever gotten me out of a ticket. I have a lot of looks but “innocent” has never been one of them. I look alarmingly like Anita Spanken.
Today I must have looked like southern fried Fudge because my Texas license and, yes, dern dang adorable drawl kept me out of the pokey. I think a booger would have blown it for me, don’t you?
I met my Studmuffin for lunch and he didn’t say anything. Well, that’s not true – he said lots of things – but he never mentioned errant mucus. Although he’s the kind of guy that might just let it hang there for a cheap laugh.
It was only after a very serious conversation with a wig-fitter did I make the dread discovery. The horror!
Despite my effort to be business-like while surrounded by disembodied, yet well coiffed plastic heads, it was a challenge trying to describe the exact dimensions and hue that a chick like me requires.
Evidently “Big Ole Texas Hair” is not that common Up North. She needs details.
“Big.”, I say gesturing around my head. “Tall and big and… big.”
Blank stare. “What era?”
“Era? I don’t know… Texas!” More gesturing. “Texas Hair transcends an era!”
Crickets….
I feel like my father-in-law playing Pictionary. He draws two lines and then does Hurry Up Hands for the remaining 3:45 minutes.
I throw out more examples: NFL Cheerleaders, Miss America, Cher, Beyonce.
I actually watch the light bulb snap on above her head as she starts to form the mental picture. It was more like watching the florescent bulb in the garage flicker and slowly gain strength, but it was illumination. I’ll take it.
“What color?”
“A nice merlot, please.”
Do you think she thought I was a lunatic and felt too sorry for me to point out the booger? Like, that little booglet was the least of my issues?
She did look a little scared. I get that a lot. I always thought it was the accent. Or the cleavage.
Which brings us back to Officer Sweetie Pie….
It’s the discovery that is jarring.
How long has it been there?
How many people have I talked to?
How adorable did I think I was being while this booger was mocking me?
I’m pretty sure it wasn’t there when I got pulled over this morning for going 85 in a 55. I distinctly remember checking my lip-gloss in the mirror and practicing my “Golly Gosh Officer Sweetie Pie” grin.Which, by the way, has never, ever gotten me out of a ticket. I have a lot of looks but “innocent” has never been one of them. I look alarmingly like Anita Spanken.
Today I must have looked like southern fried Fudge because my Texas license and, yes, dern dang adorable drawl kept me out of the pokey. I think a booger would have blown it for me, don’t you?
I met my Studmuffin for lunch and he didn’t say anything. Well, that’s not true – he said lots of things – but he never mentioned errant mucus. Although he’s the kind of guy that might just let it hang there for a cheap laugh.
It was only after a very serious conversation with a wig-fitter did I make the dread discovery. The horror!
Despite my effort to be business-like while surrounded by disembodied, yet well coiffed plastic heads, it was a challenge trying to describe the exact dimensions and hue that a chick like me requires.Evidently “Big Ole Texas Hair” is not that common Up North. She needs details.
“Big.”, I say gesturing around my head. “Tall and big and… big.”
Blank stare. “What era?”
“Era? I don’t know… Texas!” More gesturing. “Texas Hair transcends an era!”
Crickets….
I feel like my father-in-law playing Pictionary. He draws two lines and then does Hurry Up Hands for the remaining 3:45 minutes.
I throw out more examples: NFL Cheerleaders, Miss America, Cher, Beyonce.
I actually watch the light bulb snap on above her head as she starts to form the mental picture. It was more like watching the florescent bulb in the garage flicker and slowly gain strength, but it was illumination. I’ll take it.
“What color?”
“A nice merlot, please.”
Do you think she thought I was a lunatic and felt too sorry for me to point out the booger? Like, that little booglet was the least of my issues?
She did look a little scared. I get that a lot. I always thought it was the accent. Or the cleavage.
Which brings us back to Officer Sweetie Pie….
